|
|
|---|
a.one:link, a.one:active, a.one:visited {
display: navigation;
font: 18px georgia;
line-height: 17px;
letter-spacing: -1px;
text-transform: lowercase;
text-align: center;
padding: 17px;
background-color: #ffffff;
border: 1px solid #ffffff;
color: #000000;
}
a.one:hover {
display: navigation;
font: 14px georgia;
line-height: 13px;
letter-spacing: -1px;
text-transform: lowercase;
text-align: center;
padding: 13px;
background-color: #DF2020;
border: 1px solid #DF20200;
color: #ffffff;
}
xanga
\
l&f
/
private
-------- ♥ --------
|
|
|
|---|
I'm April, and I'm 19 years old. I'm living life the way I want and at this point the only thing that will make me happier is my boyfriend coming home. I'm a really nice girl and I love to talking to different people so just because this is a graphics site doesn't mean we can't be friends. So please don't be shy! <3 ciao!
|
|
|
|---|
“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live.”
|
|
.mainleft { display:none; }
hr {display:none;}
|
| Life can change so much in such a short bit of time. It's not always a bad thing, because like "they" say, "when one door closes, another door opens", but it's still different. It still hurts sometimes. Like the icky feeling I get every time I think about Nate, and how he's not mine anymore. Yes, I broke it off, but because he's so different, he's not the boy I fell in love with three years ago. I know people change, but why does it have to hurt so God damn much? Why do they have to change to the extent that you can't enjoy them anymore. I take some of the blame, because I have changed too. Possibly, he feels the same way, wishing he could transform me back to the girl I was when I was 16. But he can't, and I can't, so for now we're surronded by friends but we both feel so alone. Because I can't call him when I have a bad day, I can't look forward to finally being able to cuddle every friday night. Everything changed. Now, instead of hanging out with my boyfriend, I go out and get drunk with my best friends. I got into college, and will be attending in the fall. I've lost 20 pounds! I've even met some awesome people I wouldn't have otherwise. And although all of these are positives, I can't help feeling like I'll never be able to love a person again. Because love ins't forever, it's temporary. What I hope to find out is if this temporary euphoric feeling is worth the excruciating pain you encounter when it's over, and it will be over. If i meet some one, am I supposed to give it my all, or build walls that need to be knocked down? When does it stop hurting? Why does the right thing ALWAYS feel like the wrong thing? | | |
| The only reason I'm using this site is because I do not feel comfortable enough posting something as personal as this on tumblr. There is something comforting about writing something and knowing that your audience does not know you. Anyways, recently life has been, well, interesting. I mean, you always hear, "you cannot fully love someone else until you love yourself" and for once in my life I agree.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years, two years and 8 months to be exact. We are high school sweethearts, we have been through more than most people at this age could handle. I fell in love at 16 and somehow, at 19 years am still falling in love. So why is it that sometimes all I want to do is push him away?
I think that maybe it could be very closely related to the fact that I have never once thought of myself as beautiful. Sure, I have nice eyes, and nice lips, beautiful freckles, and I have a cute nose, but somehow when they all get put together on my face, all I see is ugly. And that sad thing is, it doesn't stop there. I'm 5'5" -ideal weight is 120-135, me? I weight 196.6. Fortunately, I don't look 200 pounds that is one thing I'm happy about. I look about 160 which is still 35 pounds over the ideal weight for a 19 year old girl who is 5'5".
This weight issue has always been a struggle for me. Growing up I was stick thin and my grandmother would tease me and tell me that I was too skinny. And I agree, I was for a while there. It's not attractive to be able to see your skeleton. Well as a "loving" grandmother, she tried to fatten me up. She succeeded. My parents didn't like having snacks foods in the house but when they did I started sneaking them. All I wanted was to eat, it became my escape for everything. I didn't want to go outside and play with the other kids, I just wanted my chocolate and chips and whatever type of junk a 8 year old would love. Now, at this point I wasn't huge. I did play soccer which kept me in okay shape for the time being, but in 7th grade I got up to 160 pounds! I don't even think I was 5" yet.
All throughout junior high and high school my weight yo-yo'ed up and down and up and down. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 10th grade. (Hypothyroidism is a disease where your thyroid can not produce enough hormones and often leaves your tired, weak, and prone to putting on weight). Well after that, the weight kept piling on, it was almost as if I used my thyroid as an excuse for me bad eating habits and lack of exercise, although I hated the way I looked. It always held me back from things that I am passionate about.
Fashion has always been something I have always been passionate about. I've been reading Vogue since 4th grade and Harper's Bazaar since 6th. Being able to express yourself through clothing is a wonderful concept, except when you are too fat to look good in anything trendy.
I mask myself in clothes that I do not like because my body should not be shown of. It is such a depressing feeling to not wear the clothes that I love because I am too self conscious of my body. My dream is to work in the fashion industry. Sadly, I never applied to any schools for fashion merchandising because I honestly thought they would take me as a joke.
For the first time in a long time I feel completely lost. I'm in school for elementary education which is not at all what I see myself doing in 5 years, the thought actually scares me.
So for once in my life I am taking control of my life. I am going to the gym everyday, watching what I eat and leaving little bits of motivation in places I often go so when I feel like giving up, I have the motivation to keep going. I'm going to lose 60 pounds by May, right smack dab in swimsuit season, and be the skinniest version of me. I am going to save $50.00 a week so when I finally do lose that weight I can reward myself with clothes that I love. I am going to apply to FIT and LIM for the spring 2012 semester so I can finally do what I have always wanted. (I'm taking a semester of so i can save $$$, city living is expensivee) And then finally, maybe I can love my boyfriend the way that we both want.
kind of a blurry picture but this is me on new years eve, the first step of my journey.
| | |
| I've decided to shut down. Thank you all for your amazing support. I just don't have the time for this anymore, nor do I have the desire. I'll also be closing my photobucket so my pictures won't be available anymore either. I may decide to come back when life slows down a little, but i'll most likely open a new site. Take care loves, thank you for everything. <3
follow me on tumblr, I still post there [:
http://vivezvotrevie.tumblr.com/
| | |
| Girls, I am so sorry I haven't been updating. Life's a little crazy right now and I kinda like it (: I'll be updating sometime the the very near future. <3
| | |
| i'm a puzzle ... yes, indeed; ever complex, in every way ...
and, yet, you see the picture clear as day.
you see potential in all my flaws, and that's exactly what i need. | | |
|
False
|
